Back to Blogging

It has been well over a year since I’ve posted an article to the blog.  I stopped blogging during the worst part of my divorce.  I knew if I published anything, I would end up venting in public and I just didn’t want to say something that I would be sure to regret in the future.  It is now well over a year since my divorce has been final and I, once again, feel the need to write.  Why?  Solely because I enjoy doing so.  Do I expect that anybody will be reading what I write?  After an absence of over a year . . . it is highly doubtful.  Do I care that nobody will be reading?  Not at all.  However, if you DO take the time to read my thoughts, ideas, insights, observations, rants, and raves . . . thank you, dear reader, for your time, energy, and attention.

A Burger and a T-shirt

If you count a week as starting on any given day (not necessarily a Saturday or Sunday) and continuing for seven contiguous days, I can very easily say that this has been one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had in my life.  The absolute worst is very easily the week when my mom unexpectedly died.   After that was when I slipped on our carpeted stairs while holding my, then, 9-month-old daughter.  I was perfectly fine but her leg was broken.  And then there is this week.

It has been a week of people breaking trust with me in extreme ways – something which I find I don’t take very lightly.  It turns out I am a person who values both integrity and common courtesy quite highly and I expect people with whom I associate to exhibit at least a little bit of these characteristics.  So when they blatantly don’t, it feels like an extreme betrayal, a ‘slap in the face,’ a complete let-down.  In other words, it makes me feel extremely hurt and monumentally sad.

Today I found myself dwelling on the people who have hurt me during this past week and I started to get really depressed.  So I did what I always do when I’m feeling down; I went for a bike ride.  Ben ALWAYS makes me feel better.  Given the beautiful day and the physical exertion pumping adrenalin into my system, I stopped thinking about the people who are negative forces in my life and started to think about the people who are positive forces, instead.  I realized that there are WAY more people in my life who love and support me than those who are thoughtless and self-serving.

For instance, I have a friend who knew that this past Wednesday would be an extremely difficult day for me and invited me, and some other folks who really care about me, to her house for burgers because she knew I would need support and friendship.  Or my other friend who was planning to give me a very special T-shirt on his deck after a future bike ride but decided, instead, that I needed to feel loved now so he gave it to me on Thursday.  All of these friends actively thought about me.  I was important enough to them that they went out of their way to do something to show me they cared.  One made me a burger, one gave me a T-shirt, a couple gave up there night to spend giving me support.  My guess is all of these people would say that it ‘wasn’t much’ to do for a friend, however it meant EVERYTHING to me!!!

And there are others, too.  Thankfully . . . many others!  A friend who gave me a key to her house, her daughter who told me to call at ANY time if I need anything, a friend who made me dinner and invited one of my friends who she had never met before, another friend who has offered to color my hair because she believes it will make me feel better about myself while I’m down and out, and the list continues - a list too long to go into detail here.

On my ride I realized that I have some of the best friends on the planet - people who will love and support me no matter what.  So, I can waste my time thinking about the insignificant few who don’t care about me to the point of being thoughtless and hurtful or I can think about the many people who love me, including those who gave me a burger and a T-shirt.  An easy choice!!!!!

    

Easily Embarrassed?

If so, don't hang out with me!!!

This past week offered two opportunities for me to see just how different I am from native New Englanders.  Let me say that I've been living in NE for most of my life now and I typically view myself as a New Englander more than anything else.  However, I will never be as reserved as a native-born, puritanical New Englander.  I have just way too much joy for life and no concern at all as to what other people think of me.  Why do I say this?  I experienced two events this week that confirmed this observation.

The first event this week was when one of my favorite a cappella groups, ‘Ball in the House,’ visited my daughter’s private school in Concord.  (They performed in the small school auditorium – an amazing venue for an a cappella group.)  The group gave two consecutive concerts - one to the lower grades (3rd and under) and one to the upper grades (4th - 8th.)  The little kid's concert started at 8:30am - quite early for a 'band.'  The little kids didn't know how to respond to the AMAZING music and the terrific show the band was putting on.  I, however, decided (as usual) that encouraging the entertainers gets everybody ‘into it.’  Thus, I was quite vocal in my positive response to the show.  So much so, that a couple of the extremely up-tight Concord moms got up and moved so they wouldn't be associated with me in any way what-so-ever.  However, during the show, it was evident that the band was engaging me in the concert because it was quite clear that I appreciated their music.  We were having a fabulous time – and the kids started really involving themselves in the music and my response to it!

The second event was the Boston Marathon.  Every year my daughter's Uncle runs the marathon.  Our tradition is to get to the course in Natick an hour or so before my daughter's Uncle runs by.  We cheer on the runners until we have the opportunity to greet Uncle Mike and then we head to John Harvard's in Natick to have lunch and drink beer.  This particular marathon morning Uncle Mike informed us that runners really like cow bells.  So my nephew and I went to the course prepared with the appropriate noise makers.  He just rang his cow bell intently.  I, on the other hand, not only rang my cow bell (new to me this year,) but as in years past yelled and whooped at the marathon participants.  It is AMAZING to see the difference at the 10 mile mark when you scream LOUDLY "Go (insert name here) Go!!!!!" to those with their name displayed on their person. These people, who are looking tired and barely making it, all of a sudden light up and run more energetically.  Many of them gesture and reply as they run by.  It is a little thing for me to do, but for somebody working so hard to do something so special, it makes quite a difference. 

When we were packing to go and I was no longer ringing my bell and yelling, it was almost eerie how quiet it seemed.  It was almost silent by comparison.  I don't know if our 'neighbors' at the race were happier to have me cheering or happier to have the quiet that accompanied my leaving.  Quite frankly, I really don’t care what they thought.  To me, being reserved and watching others live life fully means nothing.  I'd rather be somebody participating, or in this case rooting people on who are participating, than somebody standing on the side-lines worrying about what looks cool or trying to "fit in" to other people’s definition of what is acceptable.  

Where is the fun in that?!!!!!!!

       

Career Choices

As my marital status transitions from married to single, I find myself thinking about “what I want to do when I grow up” to get back into the workforce.  Although I am still working on what I would like to do, there are certain professions that I am 100% certain just won’t work for me.   Anything in the medical field immediately jumps to mind.  For somebody who can't deal with having her pulse taken and who runs screaming whenever the sphygmomanometer is pulled out, a medical career just doesn't seem like the best choice.

Fortuitously, yesterday I discovered yet another profession that I really don't think will work for me.  On my way to pick up my daughter from school I ended up getting behind a student driver.  Now usually, besides being a little bit slow (a.k.a. doing the speed limit), student drivers don't really bother me.  This was a completely different story.  I have never seen such erratic driving in my life.  This driver was slowing down, speeding up, swerving into the oncoming traffic lane, then over-correcting and swerving all the way over to the shoulder of their lane.  It was quite frightening.  I backed WAY OFF!!  Although, while following this driver, I watched as closely as I could from my vantage point to see how the instructor was handling this.  From what I could tell, despite the craziness I was observing, the instructor seemed quite calm, cool, and collected throughout the whole ordeal. I was fairly impressed.

However, when the student driver swerved past the shoulder of his lane and came within a fraction of an inch of taking out a mailbox (YIKES!!), I knew for a fact that my survival instincts are just way too strong to ever be able to sit as calmly as the instructor did through this experience for me to ever consider teaching student drivers. 

Strike driver's education off my list of professions to consider!

(Good thing it wasn't my favorite mailbox - that would have REALLY sucked!!!)
  

Happiness is a Choice

I had an interesting view of humanity on my way home from my vacation on Saturday.  My flight home had a connection in Atlanta.  There were some fairly intense thunderstorms in the area.  About half an hour out from the airport we encountered extreme turbulence.  It was probably the worst I had ever experienced.  The gentlemen sitting on either side of me were quite kind.  They were extremely tolerant of the fact that I was talking loudly, non-stop, and extremely fast - I do this when I am nervous.  It seemed the worse the turbulence got, the more I was talking.  At one point I realized that I was even annoying myself, so I closed my eyes and went to my 'happy place.'   When we landed safely, I was EXTREMELY grateful to the pilot!!!

When I arrived at the gate where I was to make my connection, my peace and contentedness from landing safely was rudely intruded upon by one of the most nasty, negative, miserable people I have ever encountered in my life.  She was being pushed in a wheel chair by a meek looking man maybe 10 or 15 years her senior.  All she did was loudly demand that he do things for her and then scream at him, using extremely foul language, that he wasn't doing them correctly.  At first I thought there might be a mental issue because her behavior was so inappropriate, but I really don't think that was the case.  She was just a miserable human being.  Sitting there listening to her actually had the effect of making me feel physically ill.  Luckily, it was announced that our gate had changed.  I scooped up my things in record time and found a seat at the new gate where I hoped I would be away from most of the people - especially the obnoxious wheelchair lady.

Instead, a smallish Latin man of about 55-60 came and sat next to me.  He had a twinkle in his eyes and he was quick to smile.  He told me he had spent two weeks in Belize doing missionary work.  He found it amazing that even though the Belize people were so poor and had so very little, he had never encountered happier people in his life.  Shortly after this conversation it was announced that our plane was going to be delayed.  The wheel chair lady was out-of-control with anger and many other people, clearly dressed as if they were returning home from a vacation, were angry and out-of-sorts as well.  I found myself thinking of the contrast.  These people in the airport had everything they possibly needed, including really nice vacations, and they were miserable.  The poor people in Belize had nothing and chose to find pleasure and happiness in just being with each other and appreciating the things they had.

I continued watching the people around me as the plane was delayed repeatedly. (We ended up boarding the plane at the time we were supposed to have landed and had to sit in line for takeoff for an hour.)  It was amazing just how angry and nasty the other passengers were becoming.  In the meantime, my Latin friend and I sat telling jokes and funny stories about our lives.  Every time the plane was delayed, somehow we were laughing even harder.  We actually had a great time despite the fact that he was flying standby and was fairly certain he would be sleeping in the airport and I knew I needed to be at Logan to pick my daughter up from her trip to Hawaii at 7am and it didn't look like we'd be landing from our flight until 3:30am.  There was nothing we could do to control when the plane would take off.  The only thing we could control was how we dealt with it.  Most of the other people were extremely unhappy.  Me and my Latin friend (I never did get his name) had a wonderful, memorable, really fun time.

At one point in our conversation my friend said it was sad that the Belize people had such an unfortunate life.  As I looked around at all of the privileged people at the airport being absolutely nasty and miserable, I turned to my friend and countered, "Are you sure it is THEM that have the 'unfortunate life'?" 

My Favorite Tour Guide

My Favorite Tour Guide!  This is actually him. 
(He is about 1.5 feet from tip to tail.)

So yesterday I took my last snorkel of the trip to say goodbye to the fish.  It is always the saddest part of a scuba/snorkel vacation for me.  I really enjoy the underwater creatures and I always want to stay out as long as possible to get my fill - hoping it will hold me over to the next warm water vacation.  My snorkel yesterday was an unusually wonderful 'goodbye' snorkel for two reasons.  The first reason was that I saw some great creatures exhibiting some really interesting behaviors.  The second was that I had a very attentive, almost to the point of being annoying, snorkel guide.

First let me tell you about the sea life.  During the first half of the snorkel I saw a juvenile French Angel fish that had a cleaning station going on.  It would swim up to the bigger fish and take little bites of whatever it was eating, and the bigger fish (parrot fish and yellow tails, mostly) seemed to be fighting over who would be in position to have this service rendered.  I had never seen this behavior before with an angel fish.  I watched for several minutes to verify that it really was a cleaning station.  It definitely seemed to be.  When I turned to come back to the dock, I encountered a HUGE (3-ish foot long) porcupine fish hanging out in 3 to 4 feet of water.  He let me get extremely close to him before he swam slowly away toward the dock.  It was quite nice to follow him to my destination.  Lastly, I saw a really cool spotted moray eel hunting for his dinner.  He was swimming along the retaining wall of the resort almost jumping out of the water attempting to dislodge some crabs that were scuttling just above the water line.  I watched the eel for about 15 minutes as he went up and down the wall trying to catch a crab.  He never did catch one, but it was really cool to watch.  I was within a foot or so from him most of the time and he was so focused on his task, he was completely unaware that I was even watching him - or so it seemed.

The second thing that made the snorkel so enjoyable was my personal tour guide.  Everywhere I went, there he was - a very large adult French Angel Fish who had decided that he was so beautiful that I should not be wasting my time looking at anything else besides him.  He kept swimming back and forth just inches in front of my mask.  I literally had to push him out of the way to see anything else.  It got to the point where my mask kept flooding because I was laughing so hard due to this ridiculous behavior.  Several times I actually whacked the fish unintentionally with my hand as it changed direction to get back in front of my mask.  Since then, I have gone out of my way to watch him around other snorkelers and I have not seen him do this with anybody else.  It seems he just REALLY liked me - and given my wonderfully fun personality, who could blame him?  ;-)

Current-ly Intense

Yesterday was the last day I was able to dive.  For those who are not SCUBA divers, the rule is that you do not dive within 24 hours of a flight due to complications that can arise at higher altitudes with the excess nitrogen in your bloodstream from breathing compressed air.  It was a very sad moment in the vacation when I was returning my gear, but all in all it has been a very successful scuba trip.  After a very long hiatus, I am back to feeling comfortable and competent under the water.  And now I can dive with Nitrox, too!

Yesterday I was signed up with John and Dee for a two-tank boat dive.  As usual, diving with John and Dee was quite relaxed and enjoyable.  They truly are the best dive buddies EVER!  During the two dives we saw turtles, lots of file fish, a cloud of black durgons (the sexiest fish in the ocean, in my opinion), more eels than I've seen so far on this trip, some tiny shrimp, and I finally got to see a lion fish - both exciting to see and sad to see all at the same time.  The boat was very full, but the people were great.  I am finding that on Bonaire, where people are here primarily for diving, everybody has very good diving manners.  They spread out and find their own space and very rarely, if ever, get into yours.

After lunch John, Dee, and I had planned to do two shore dives from the dock at the resort to finish out the diving portion of our vacation.  However, after we entered the water it was apparent that the current was quite strong.  At first we found that the dive would still be doable, but after descending to depths ranging from 60 - 80' deep, it was clear that the current was too strong and getting stronger.  John made the decision to abort the dive when he was kicking as hard as he could and not going anywhere.  (I was holding my own given the strength of my leg muscles from riding my bike and the fact that I wasn't as deep as John, but I wasn't seeing much because I was working so hard and I was using a LOT of air with all the physical exertion.)  We floated back to the starting point in record-breaking time without even kicking a fin.  Between kicking so hard to get out and moving so fast on the way in we didn't see all that much, but John did spot a sea turtle who was fun to watch.

Upon exiting the water I encountered a woman who is visiting Bonaire as part of a group from a dive shop.  She is a dive-master here on vacation.  When she asked me how the dive was on her way into the water, I responded that the current was too strong to dive.  Knowing that I was returning to diving after a long break, she gave me a very placating smile and said, "We'll just have to see about that."  Her group didn't even make it out from the dock when they got pulled away by the current.  Swimming hard to get back (my guess is she doesn't ride a bike as often) she was humble enough to admit to me that I really did know what I was talking about.  The current was intense and nasty!

With no 8:30am boat to make in the morning, Dee, John, and I spent a lot longer at the bar than we had in the past.  I slept in, I’ve been getting up at 6am – today I awoke at 7am, and I've spent my morning reading, blogging and just relaxing.  I am planning to do a snorkel from the dock in a short while (assuming the current has calmed down) and spend my last day just taking it easy and enjoying the warmth and sunshine.  There is a huge party at the resort this evening with a BBQ dinner and all the rum punch you can drink from 5:00 - 6:00pm.  Somehow I'm guessing this is going to be another late night.  Tomorrow morning I will be packing and preparing for my trip home.  My guess is that the next post will be written from Massachusetts.  Sadness!!!  I REALLY like it here ;-)